Europa League
The Cage: Recasting Nike's iconic soccer ad with current stars
As we await the return of soccer, we’re scouring every possible source in search of someone – anyone, really – kicking a ball around to satiate us. Old advertisements have proven particularly useful in filling the void.
And there’s none better than Nike’s iconic 2002 World Cup spot featuring the underbelly of a rickety cargo ship, an enclosed miniature pitch, an Elvis Presley remix, and 24 stars competing in a covert three-on-three event. The Secret Tournament – or, simply, The Cage – was more captivating than many of the real matches that were played before or after this came into our lives.
In the absence of live action, we’re using this opportunity to imagine what the competition would look like using current players. With the caveat that we’re not limiting participation to Nike-sponsored players – why restrict the field? – here are eight new teams, each retaining some link to the originals who came before them 18 years ago.
Tutto Bene
- Original team: Fabio Cannavaro, Rio Ferdinand, Tomas Rosicky
- New team: Virgil van Dijk, Sergio Ramos, Santi Cazorla
This “Tutto Bene” squad never made any sense, tactically. Fabio Cannavaro and Rio Ferdinand were excellent defenders, but even the latter, who was among the more technically nuanced at his position, is a liability in a three-on-three game where every player needs to be capable of offering a worthwhile attacking contribution. It might be understandable if the third member was a one-man wrecking crew who could carry the scoring burden by himself. Ronaldo – R9, not CR7 – would’ve been ideal. No disrespect to Tomas Rosicky, but he’s not that guy, even if he was coming off a season in which his team-leading nine assists helped Borussia Dortmund win the Bundesliga title in 2002. It’s no surprise the ill-suited “Tutto Bene” were bounced in the first round and promptly booted off the barge.
“Tutto Bene 2.0” have similar issues, but this commercial was perfect when it aired, so we’re not trying to reinvent the wheel here. One of these teams has to be the obvious weak link, relatively speaking. Virgil van Dijk and Sergio Ramos fulfill our defensive quota, and in Santi Cazorla, we have the supremely skilled but injury-riddled midfielder that Rosicky ultimately became. Right down to the Arsenal tie, it’s spot on.
Equipo del Fuego
- Original team: Hernan Crespo, Claudio Lopez, Gaizka Mendieta
- New team: Christian Pulisic, Tobin Heath, Carlos Vela
On paper, “Equipo del Fuego” enjoy a massive advantage over the other teams who found themselves on that ship 18 years ago: familiarity. All three of Hernan Crespo, Claudio Lopez, and Gaizka Mendieta plied their trade for Lazio at the time the commercial aired. The team itself is middling in comparison to the others, but having an intrinsic understanding of your teammates’ tendencies can’t be overlooked.
We’re taking things in a slightly different direction with the revamped model, though. That’s primarily because staging this tournament without dribbler extraordinaire Tobin Heath, the U.S. women’s national team winger who has stolen more souls than Shang Tsung, was simply not an option. This team’s built around her cheeky skills on the ball. Fellow American Christian Pulisic was finally settling in at Chelsea before injury derailed his season, and the young USMNT winger obviously checks the familiarity box alongside his compatriot, if in a slightly different way to the original squad.
Rounding out our new triumvirate is the best player in Major League Soccer. The link, again, is there, even if it’s been altered slightly. Having seen Carlos Vela single-handedly dismantle an entire team with one glorious run, he more than qualifies for a tournament where posterizing your opponent is almost as important as actually winning.
Toros Locos
- Original team: Javier Saviola, Luis Enrique, Freddie Ljungberg
- New team: Lionel Messi, Paulo Dybala, Mohamed Salah
A diminutive Argentine, an attacker who’s been asked to play various positions during his career, and someone who, at the time of filming, was tearing up the Premier League. “Toros Locos 2.0” looks a lot like the OG version.
Finding a comparable for Lionel Messi is literally impossible, but Javier Saviola was better suited than most. In 2002, as a 19-year-old, he was coming off a 17-goal season with Barcelona. Also, you know, he’s tiny. Messi is actually two inches taller. He wouldn’t even need a new jersey.
Luis Enrique was among the most versatile players of his era, and while Paulo Dybala doesn’t have the same range positionally, he’s bounced between the striker, No. 10, and, ill-fittingly, winger positions in recent seasons with Juventus. It’s a little bit of a stretch, but excluding him felt wrong. Plus, the familiarity with Messi is a bonus, and mirrors the link Saviola and Enrique had from playing on the same club side that year.
As for Ljungberg, 2002 was the best statistical season of his career; he scored 12 goals in helping Arsenal hoist the league crown. Mohamed Salah’s enjoyed better personal seasons than 2020, but one way or another, it’s going to end with Liverpool winning their first top-flight domestic title in three decades.
“Toros Locos” had a very real case for being the best team on the boat in 2002, and this new trio keeps that legacy alive.
Funk Seoul Brothers
- Original team: Denilson, Ronaldinho, Ki-hyeon Seol
- New team: Neymar, Marta, James Rodriguez
The inclusion of Neymar and Marta need little explanation – they’re wizards with the ball. Among players with over 1,000 minutes logged in Ligue 1 this season, the Paris Saint-Germain star leads the way with 6.1 successful dribbles per 90 minutes. Nobody else has more than 4.2. This is a guy who has rainbow flicked multiple defenders throughout his career. One of the greatest moments from the original advert is Denilson, standing one foot in front of his own net, feinting two opponents, juking back and forth in open defiance of the obvious risk. Neymar would absolutely be that guy.
(Source: No Grass in the Clouds)
Marta, meanwhile, is arguably the greatest women’s soccer player in history, and inarguably one of the sport’s most important. She revolutionized the game, largely because she could humiliate defenders like nobody’s business. Watching the decorated Brazilian play at her peak put a smile on your face, not unlike the joyousness prime Ronaldinho brought to the pitch.
On the surface, the inclusion of James Rodriguez seems tenuous, but hear me out. With all due respect to South Korea’s 2002 World Cup hero Ki-hyeon Seol, he doesn’t exactly fit the mold of the other players in the tournament. The forward, who played for Anderlecht at the time, had two key factors on his side: there were clear national team ties considering South Korea was a joint-host of the 2002 World Cup, and, presumably, he had a spectacular agent who sold the hell out of his client’s worth to the producers. Enter James, who, frankly, has been largely irrelevant at club level since breaking out at the 2010 World Cup, and who’s represented by super-agent Jorge Mendes. You know damn well Mendes would sell his soul to Eric Cantona, the MC and de facto referee, if it allowed one of his clients to be involved in the exclusive competition.
Cerberus
- Original team: Sylvain Wiltord, Edgar Davids, Lilian Thuram
- New team: Kevin De Bruyne, Eden Hazard, Raphael Varane
In recasting “Cerberus,” we’re ensuring the squad better represents the tournament’s most badass team name. This is a true three-headed monster, even if there’s no Greek presence. Sorry, Kostas Manolas.
It’s not that we have anything against the original trio, per se; Edgar Davids was equal parts ferocious and skillful, while Lilian Thuram was among the most graceful, dominant defenders of his generation. That said, Thuram’s still a defender who offers minimal value in this format, and Sylvain Wiltord was never a superstar forward at club or international level.
This team needs an upgrade.
Kevin De Bruyne, the best midfielder alive today, could find space to make a pass inside a phone booth, so the crammed nature of the small-sided field wouldn’t be an issue. As a member of Pep Guardiola’s team, he’s also no stranger to tactical fouling, so this team won’t lose the feistiness Davids provided. Speaking of that phone booth, Eden Hazard, the other lead cast member of Belgium’s golden generation, could dribble around inside it.
And, yes, Raphael Varane is a defender, but, I mean, c’mon …
(Source: reddit)
That’s enough evidence for us. Varane’s in.
Triple Espresso
- Original team: Francesco Totti, Hidetoshi Nakata, Thierry Henry
- New team: Lorenzo Insigne, Josip Ilicic, Kylian Mbappe
Player-for-player, “Triple Espresso 2.0” may bear the most resemblance to its predecessor. He’s not quite a one-team legend like Totti, but Napoli stalwart Lorenzo Insigne is about as close to it as you’ll find in the modern Italian game. Aside from a few loan spells in the infancy of his career, the pint-sized playmaker has always represented his hometown club. Josip Ilicic, like Nakata, is one of the most skilled players ever produced by his nation, and honed his career in Italy.
As was the case with the Japanese midfielder’s spell at Parma, the third stop on Ilicic’s journey through the peninsula has proved his most fruitful; the Slovenian was in the midst of a career-defining campaign with darlings Atalanta before the work stoppage.
And then there’s Kylian Mbappe, whose gazelle-like gait and effortless brilliance make him the closest thing we’ve seen to Thierry Henry since his compatriot retired. In 2002, Henry led Arsenal to the Premier League title, scoring a league-best 24 goals in the process. He was 23 years old at the time. Mbappe, 21, led Ligue 1 with an obscene 33 tallies last season and put up a joint-best 18 this year before play was halted. The parallels are uncanny.
The Onetouchables
- Original team: Patrick Vieira, Paul Scholes, Ruud van Nistelrooy
- New team: Paul Pogba, Dele Alli, Zlatan Ibrahimovic
This is a personal favorite.
An angular Frenchman with a World Cup title to his name, a spirited English midfielder, and a physical striker who could do plenty of damage without having to actually run all that much. Just like Ruud van Nistelrooy, Zlatan Ibrahimovic wouldn’t have trouble adjusting to the miniature playing surface.
It’s also very important to note that, aside from Sergio Ramos, the only player in our revamped tournament who can mimic the scrappiness of` Paul Scholes is Dele Alli. Leaving Raheem Sterling and Jadon Sancho on the sidelines was rough, but the Tottenham midfielder has the necessary vitriol in his locker to assume the Manchester United legend’s role.
Paul Pogba brings more pure skill and flair to the team than compatriot Patrick Vieira while still maintaining the Premier League link that ties both versions of “The Onetouchables” together.
Os Tornados
- Original team: Ronaldo, Luis Figo, Roberto Carlos
- New team: Cristiano Ronaldo, Philippe Coutinho, Marcelo
Each time you watch the secret tournament, the ending becomes more perfect. Based on sheer talent, there’s no way “Os Tornados” would lose in the final to anyone; that moment of ingenuity from Henry and Totti was the only way “Triple Espresso” had a chance of sinking – boat joke! – this trio of Portuguese speakers. There’s a reason Ronaldo, Roberto Carlos, and Luis Figo end up winning the sequel. They destroy the ship, but it was a necessary sacrifice to restore order in this floating, fictional universe.
All of that is to say this revamped team needed to be absolutely loaded. Mission accomplished.
Cristiano Ronaldo provides the scoring expertise of, erm, Ronaldo, while Philippe Coutinho is still capable of the creative impetus Luis Figo delivered, even if the Bayern Munich loanee’s career has been going in the wrong direction since he joined Barcelona.
The Roberto Carlos-Marcelo swap is almost too perfect. Ultra-attacking Brazilian left-backs who, despite boasting different attributes, have compiled incredible highlight reels throughout their careers. Dani Alves was in contention, but Marcelo was the obvious pick here.
Who would win The Secret Tournament, 2.0? Have your say below!
